it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
