i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
