I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
