Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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