i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
