Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
