i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
