we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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