Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
