you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
