It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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