two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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