Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
