I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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