Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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