next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
