I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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