I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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