Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
My sheets look like a crime scene.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
