i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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