Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
