You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
