as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
