I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
