i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
