I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
How does one acquire holy water?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
