NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
