Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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