i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
My dad is sitting where you rode me
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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