Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
