New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
