Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
