I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
