You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
