Where did you get a picture of my penis
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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