Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
