Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
