Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
