Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
