So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
