wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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