I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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