Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
