I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
