i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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