so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
