I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
My vagina is officially offended.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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