He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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