Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
