Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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